Darkness

I had a bit of a rough day the other day. It wasn’t anything tragic, but it was a hard emotional day.

I’ve talked about it before on this here blog. My work situation. Yesterday, it was exactly one year since I was laid off of my full time, fairly good paying job. It came as a huge surprise, but God gave me a crazy amount of peace that had me laughing about the situation by the time I drove the 22 miles home. Ever since then, I’ve known that God was going to take me on a journey. I had no idea what that journey was going to look like, but I had this very unknown peace that swept over me and I was going with it.

A year later, and that peace is still there on most days. The consistent income is far gone and I’m currently living on the love of my mom and her husband Mike, the couple of photoshoots that I get in a month and a TON of faith.

I had a moment on Saturday. It was a moment that involved a lot of crying (and if you know me, you know that is rare!), a lot of letting God know exactly what was on my heart, and it involved me letting my pride down. And that moment put me in a funk all day long. I sat in front of the tv and binge watched netflix all day (and really, these days, that doesn’t happen all that often) I knew that something was off, but I didn’t even want to think about it.

Sunday morning came, and it was time for church. I wasn’t serving that morning so I was able to get there right before it started (yaaaaas!) We’ve been singing a new (to our church) song for the last couple of weeks called “He is Faithful” by Bryan & Katie Torwalt. I have loved this song for a long time and have led it a few times, but as I sang this song with my church, God pointed out a line in the song that I hadn’t really thought much of.

“And our song, it will be
Out of the darkness, we will rise and sing…

He is faithful…”

And God began to show me the way I looked the previous day. I couldn’t (and didn’t want to) pinpoint it then, but God was showing me the darkness that I was sitting in. I had allowed my situation to make me feel defeated. Like I was lying on the floor with my face to the ground, not in surrender, but in defeat. But now, I was choosing to stand up and declare his faithfulness and recognize that my situation does not dictate where my relationship stands with my God. It does not dictate who God is. The song goes on to sing this:

He is faithful, He is glorious and He is Jesus. All my hope is in Him. He is freedom, and He is healing right now. He is hope, joy, love, peace and life. 

And it’s amazing what hope, joy, love, peace and life comes from declaring that. That moment left me with a deeper love for my father. I don’t know that I will ever get tired of talking about God’s faithfulness. Every time that I think I’ve got an understanding of it, I find myself in a situation that spins me around and I discover a new level.

I was telling someone the other day that this past year has been the most uncomfortable and stretching time I think I’ve ever experienced. But within that, I’ve also never felt more at peace with where God has me. For the first time in a really long time, I know that I’m right where God has me. This season won’t be forever, and while I’m here I want to make myself available for anything and everything that God has for me, even if it’s uncomfortable. Hopefully, I’ll find myself lying on the floor more often, but in surrender and not in defeat.

“Because of God’s tender mercy,
    the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,
to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
    and to guide us to the path of peace.”
Luke 1:78-79

 

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