These Past 5 Months.

I’m sorry.

I really wanted this blog to be something that was consistent for me. A place where I processed things in my life, especially since the past (almost) year, has been full of new things. But… it just didn’t happen. I process things internally, and I’m just now learning to be more vulnerable with the things that are happening in my life right now, and not just after they happen.

Vulnerability. It’s something that God has been talking to me about for the last couple of months. It’s amazing what happens when God brings you into a season and gives you a choice:

Choice 1: “Be uncomfortable. Fight what I’m trying to do. Say no to things that I want to shift in your life. Close off your heart. But by doing that, you’ll miss out on all of the wonderful things I have for you.”

Choice 2: “Be uncomfortable. Open up your heart to me. Let me pull up the things that you spent years burying. Let me walk through them with you. In all of that, you will discover more of me. You’ll learn to sit back and watch me work on your behalf. I’ll get to pour out all of the things that I’ve been waiting so long for you to have.”

The thing about these choices are that they are a daily choice. I have to choose one every single day. These days, 90 percent of the time, I choose #2. Every day I give God permission to reach into the deepest parts of my heart, to the things that I spent a lot of time burying and pull them up.

I spent my teens and 20’s years with a very fearful heart. I was broken by the circumstances that life had dealt me. My dad walked out on our family when I was 10, my brother died when I was 13, and I spent 7 years in a very dysfunctional and abusive relationship with a boy. By the time I reached my 20’s, my heart had enough. I closed it off. I built steel walls around it. I refused to cry, to let anything hurt me. I buried all the hurts cause it hurt too much to deal with them.

And here I am letting God pull them up. What’s changed? Well, it’s taken me way too long to realize that when God pulls them up, he doesn’t pull them up and walk away, leaving me there to figure it all out. He pulls me close, pulls them up and then holds me while we walk through them. Sometimes, it means reliving moments. Hearing words that someone once spoke over me, words that tore me down and made me feel insignificant. Words that broke my spirit and made me believe that I was worthless, and then hearing God’s words. Words full of love. Words that completely erase the previous ones. They encourage and inspire. They remind me of who I am and why I was created.

And afterwards, somehow, it’s not so bad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. It’s painful. But the love of my father is so much stronger. It softens it all.

And almost every single day, I find myself in situations where God’s blessings are showered over me. Sometimes, it’s huge blessings, like 3 photo shoots the week that my car payment is due. Sometimes, they are small, like having the confidence to make a new friend in the most random place. And, like now, it’s having the courage to speak my mind and heart and not be afraid of rejection or shame.

I guarantee that God is asking you to make a choice today. What do those choices look like?  Will you let him in? All I can assure you of is that God is a kind God. He’s not looking to embarrass or condemn you. He’s looking to be with you, to spend time with you. He longs to hear you talk to him. Trust him. He won’t let you down.

“Lord God, unlock my heart, unlock my lips, and I will overcome with my joyous praise! For the source of your pleasure is not in my performance or the sacrifices I might offer to you. The fountain of your pleasure is found in the sacrifice of my shattered heart before you. You will not despise my tenderness as I humbly bow down at your feet.”
                                                                                                  Psalm 51:15-17 (TPT)




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